Matt Goldich: Circle Gets the Square

2006-01-20T11:57:00.000-05:00

I was just reading about this building on the Lower East Side where all of the neighbors know each other, hang out and hook up with one another. I also went to a potluck dinner party last weekend where several of the host's neighbors attended. I have to say, this is the complete opposite of every experience I've had with one of my neighbors since moving to NYC. Here's how I would break down my interactions:

95% - Walking past them in the hall or on the stairs, with each of us either mumbling, "Hey", smiling, or avoiding eye contact whatsoever.

3% - Some sort of building emergency/housing-related issue requires more in-depth conversation, such as, "Do you have hot water?", "Have you seen the super?", or "Did a package accidentally get delivered to your apartment?"

2% - It's like 3 a.m. As I'm fumbling for my keys outside my door some guy I don't recognize drunkenly stumbles up the stairs. He's very friendly and says something to the effect of, "Hey, man, my name's Brian. I live in #19. Yo, you should totally come up and hang out with me and my roommate some time, have a beer." I make small talk with him for a few more seconds and then he heads upstairs. I never see the person again.

2006-01-19T12:33:00.000-05:00

Here's how lazy I am: my New Year's resolution was to join MySpace. That's right, I needed extra motivation to join a website. And the sad part is, I haven't even done it yet.

Also, I saw "Match Point" the other night and I thought it was good but not great. Definitely way too long, and kind of a rip-off of "Crimes and Misdemeanors", although it did have a cool look to it and I liked a lot of the dialogue. I think my expectations were unfairly raised by all of the reviews that called it "Woody Allen's best film in years". Really? It was better than "Anything Else"? "Hollywood Ending"? "The Curse of the Jade Scorpion"? Hard to imagine!

2006-01-18T14:47:00.000-05:00

One of the great things about being Jewish is that you can basically believe whatever you want and you're still a Jew. If someone tells you they're Catholic, and you ask them, "So does that mean you really believe that Jesus is the son of God?", they'd have to be like, "Yes, of course. If I didn't believe that I wouldn't be Catholic." But if you ask a Jewish person, "So, do you really believe that Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments from God?", they can be like, "Well...not really. But I like Billy Joel...that counts, right?"

2006-01-17T13:01:00.000-05:00

Thanks to everyone who came out to see Twin Killing at Swift last night. We had a packed house and all of our performers - John F. O'Donnell, Greg Johnson, Jenny Slate & Gabe Liedman, and Victor Varnado - kicked ass. I'll have more info on next month's show soon.

Because of the show I did not get to see the Golden Globes but I did enter a pool at my new office. On my subway ride home I noticed that I had neglected to fill out the category for Best Screenplay. I thought to myself, "Well, I could e-mail the person in charge when I get home with my pick, but it probably won't make a difference, so why bother?" Well, guess who finished in second place, one point out of first? And I would've picked "Brokeback Mountain", too! Can't believe I missed out on half of the $90 pot. Pretty annoying.

2006-01-13T14:05:00.000-05:00

We have a great show planned for this Monday at Swift - check out this lineup:

Jordan Carlos (Best Week Ever, Stella)
Greg Johnson (hosts a show every Friday night at Rififi)
John F. O'Donnell (host of the Fancypants show at the Village Lantern)
Jenny Slate & Gabe Liedman (from the sketch group the Wiener Philharmonic)

Once again we've been recommended by Time Out New York. So come check us out! Here are the details:

Monday, January 16, 2006
Twin Killing
Hosted by Matt Goldich and Chris Jurek
Swift
34 E. 4th Street (between Bowery and Lafayette)
NYC
8:30 pm
FREE

Hope to see you on Monday!

2006-01-12T13:39:00.000-05:00

Check it out - you can now see a clip from my episode of "Premium Blend" on Comedy Central's website. If you want to see the whole thing, it airs on Friday, January 27 at 9 pm. Enjoy!

2006-01-11T12:54:00.000-05:00

Finally saw "The Squid and the Whale" last night - I thought it was awesome. In the tradition of "Sideways" and "You Can Count on Me" it seems destined to become this year's "Movie I Root For on Oscar Night That Ends Up Winning No Major Awards".

Also, I don't know why, but it seems like all of my favorite establishments in NYC are closing. First Finnerty's, a bar near my apartment that I used to go to all the time closed a couple of months ago. Then the Second Avenue Deli closed last week. Now I find out that McHale's is closing at the end of the month. If you haven't been there, McHale's is this bar/restaurant in midtown that has unbelievable hamburgers and "bacon the color of George Hamilton's face" (it says it right there on the menu). I'm definitely planning on stopping by there for a burger at some point in the next couple weeks and I suggest you do the same.

2006-01-10T14:33:00.000-05:00

Sorry I didn't get back to post yesterday - I spent most of the day on the train back from D.C. where I was performing in a Heeb magazine show on Sunday night. Speaking of Heeb, there is a picture of me hosting their storytelling night last Thursday up on their website.

Also, exciting news...I am in the process of developing a new, improved website, hopefully in time for the premiere of my appearance on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" on January 27. In the meantime, you can now access my blog simply by typing www.goldich.com or www.mattgoldich.com into your browser.

Back with more funny tomorrow!

2006-01-06T12:29:00.000-05:00

Well, the Heeb show was a lot of fun last night. Thanks to everyone who came to the show. For those of you who missed it, I'll share a brief story from my Las Vegas trip that I spontaneously decided to tell on stage.

I was sitting across the poker table from my brother at Binion's Casino and there was a grizzled old dude sitting next to me, mumbling about random stuff. First he goes, "You can't even say, 'Merry Christmas' anymore, you have to say 'Happy Holidays.' I don't even know what holiday it is!"

To which I replied, "It's Chanukah".

"Oh yeah, Chanukah. I heard about that. At first I thought it was a Muslim holiday but then I asked someone and they told me it was a Jewish holiday. How many days is Chanukah?"

"It's eight days."

To which he replied, "No wonder the banks are closed for so long!"

He mumbled something next, I didn't hear exactly what it was, but the word 'Shylock' was definitely in there somewhere.

Then he gets up from the table and proclaims, "I'm going to go bet on a game. If Gwyneth Paltrow or some other hot babe comes by tell her I'll be right back. If Lorena Bobbitt comes by, tell her I'm in a cave in Afghanistan. I'll be harder to find than Bin Laden!"

I usually try to maintain a serious, semi-intimidating demeanor at the poker table but at this point I lost it and doubled over in laughter. I couldn't help it - the way he combined a cultural reference from 1994 with one from 2002 was ingenious.

Have a great weekend, everybody.

2006-01-05T13:42:00.000-05:00

Check out this great article about tonight's show in the Village Voice - it even mentions my blog!

2006-01-04T13:41:00.000-05:00

Hey guys - lots of cool stuff coming up this January. Here are the details:

Thursday, January 5, 2006
Heeb Storytelling
Joe's Pub
425 Lafayette Street
NYC
7 pm
$15

I am hosting this storytelling night which features a star-studded lineup including Susie Essman (Jeff's wife Susie on Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Michael Showalter (from Wet Hot American Summer and The Baxter). From what I understand this event is close to selling out so if you want to go I suggest buying your tickets now.

Sunday, January 8, 2006
Heeb Magazine Presents the Chosen One
Washington, D.C.

I actually have no idea where or when this show is but if you live in the D.C. area and are interested in going please let me know and I'll try to find out.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Invite Them Up
Rififi (Cinema Classics)
332 E. 11th Street (between 1st & 2nd Ave.)
NYC
8:30 pm
FREE

Always a great show.

Monday, January 16, 2006
Twin Killing
Hosted by Matt Goldich and Chris Jurek
Swift
34 E. 4th Street (between Bowery and Lafayette)
NYC
8:30 pm
FREE

Still finalizing our lineup...more details soon.

Friday, January 20, 2006
Upper West Side JCC
334 Amsterdam Avenue (at 76th Street)
NYC
9 pm

I'll be performing at an event sponsored by Tikvat Israel - a rare chance to see me do 30-45 minutes of stand-up, if that sort of thing excites you.

Friday, January 27, 2006
My episode of Premium Blend premieres on Comedy Central!
9 pm
Set your TiVos!

For a look at my complete upcoming schedule, check out http://goldichlive.blogspot.com.

2006-01-03T15:50:00.000-05:00

I'm back from my self-imposed blog vacation. The last couple weeks have been pretty crazy. I spent five days in Vegas with my brother, as well as various other friends and family who were out there at the same time. Highlights included:

- Finishing fourth in a 110-person poker tournament at the MGM Grand on my last day.

- Getting wiped out playing poker at Binion's, then going across the street to the Four Queens Casino (sketchy) and making a huge run at the $5 blackjack table with the last $20 in my wallet.

- playing blackjack for over six hours at the same table at the Mirage on my birthday, winning a few hundred dollars and drinking several free gin and tonics.

- several excellent meals, including the Palm at Caesar's, the buffet at Mandalay Bay, and the restaurant at Binion's.

- a couple of celebrity sightings: World Series of Poker champion Joe Hachem at the Bellagio, and Steven R. Schirripa from "The Sopranos" on the plane there (sitting in first class while the rest of his family sat in coach - classy!)

Overall, a great trip. Then, after spending a couple of days in Philly visiting with family and friends, I decided hey, I just got back from Vegas, why not spend New Year's Eve in Atlantic City? Unfortunately I got wiped out in the big poker tournament at the Borgata (ran into pocket aces with pocket kings) but I still had a blast and managed to leave still up moneywise for the Vegas/AC trips combined.

Lots of exciting stuff coming up this month - I'll be back tomorrow with more info!

2005-12-22T11:32:00.000-05:00

I'm leaving for Vegas tomorrow!

I'll be back on Wednesday, December 28, when I will hopefully post a recap of my trip. If not, I may not get a chance to write until after New Year's.

Happy Holidays, everyone. For those of you stuck in New York - I hope they settle this thing soon.

2005-12-21T12:19:00.000-05:00

I was at the post office the other day and they were selling stamps that said "Stop Family Violence". I feel like if you sent someone a letter with that stamp on it, they might wonder if you had intended it as a personal message for them. Especially if they were a perpetrator of family violence. I think you should be able to get stamps with all sorts of personalized messages on them. Imagine if you could send a letter with a stamp that said, "Hey, Keith, Give Me Back My Van Halen CD!"

2005-12-20T15:53:00.000-05:00

Okay, so apparently I was wrong about the transit strike. It actually happened. I had to walk to work today. It wasn't that bad but I wouldn't want to do it every day.

In more exciting news (skip this if you don't care about fantasy football) I am in the finals of my fantasy football league! After winning the regular season title I fell way behind in my first-round playoff matchup against my brother Russ. The only way I could win was for Todd Heap, the Ravens' tight end, was to outscore Brett Favre by more than 11 points in the Monday night game. Well wouldn't you know, Heap caught two touchdown passes, and Favre threw 2 interceptions and was pulled from the game after 3 quarters. So now I've clinched at least a second place finish, which means $$$!!!

Also, as I have mentioned many times before, I am in a football "suicide pool" in which I pick one team to win outright every week, and can't pick the same team twice over the course of the season. We started with seventeen people in Week 2 of the NFL season and amazingly, there are still three of us left! It's getting ridiculous at this point, none of the teams can lose. I was hoping to have this thing be over by the time I left for Vegas but oh well. Who do you guys like this week - the Dolphins over the Titans? The Panthers over the Cowboys? The Rams over the Niners? Help me out!

2005-12-19T15:32:00.000-05:00

I will be on Comedy Central's Premium Blend on Friday, January 27, 2006 at 9 pm!

Set your TiVos now, if such a thing is possible!

2005-12-16T13:11:00.000-05:00

Couples work best when each member provides an important function. Usually the girl's job is to provide motivation, while the guy's job is to provide information. For instance, let's say a couple is invited to a party. The girl's job is to motivate the guy to actually get off his ass and go. "You are going to that party, mister! We are not just spending another Saturday night sitting on the couch!" And so, the guy goes to the party, even though if he was single he definitely wouldn't.

But here's the thing: the girl has no idea how to get to the party. That's where the guy comes in. "I already told you, it's THREE BLOCKS EAST!!!" See, if she was single, she wouldn't be able to go to the party even though she would want to desperately. Because of a lack of...information.

Next time you are at a party and you see a couple there remember the synergy that it took to make that happen. Or don't, whatever.

2005-12-15T12:09:00.000-05:00

If these New York City transit workers really strike when it's 25 degrees out...well, then, I'll have no choice but to become an anti-union Republican bigwig.

Personally I don't think the strike is going to happen. It's a myth, like the tooth fairy, Scientology, or Halley's Comet.

2005-12-14T11:53:00.000-05:00

I share an apartment with my brother. If you're wondering what that's like, it's kind of how I imagine married life is, in that we bicker a lot over minor things. Except there's a lot less sex and a lot more fisticuffs.

Actually, based on what I hear about marriage, there's probably not that much less sex.

2005-12-13T11:46:00.000-05:00

Thanks to everyone who came to Swift last night, including the New York chapter of the Dr. Who fan club. We had another kickass show. For those of you who missed it, we'll be having another one in January - I'll have more info soon.

Check it out - Comedy Central asked some comedians what the funniest thing that happened in 2005 was, and I responded.

Also, more good news: I won the regular season title of my football fantasy league and I'm the #1 seed going into the playoffs. Feel free to send me a congratulatory e-mail at your leisure.

2005-12-08T12:11:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody-

We've got another great edition of Twin Killing coming up next Monday - check out this great lineup:

Dan Allen (Comedy Central's Premium Blend)
Pete Holmes (Best Week Ever, Premium Blend)
Nick Kroll (co-creator of Bar Mitzvah Disco and I Love the 30's)
and Margot Leitman (star of her own one-woman show at the UCB Theatre)

And here are all the details:

Monday, December 12, 2005
Twin Killing
Hosted by Matt Goldich and Chris Jurek
Swift
NYC
34 E. 4th Street (between Lafayette and Bowery)
8:30 pm
FREE

It's your last chance to see Twin Killing before the holidays - and that includes Chanukah which is late this year. Hope to see you on Monday!

Thanks,
Matt

2005-12-07T12:29:00.000-05:00

I've never really been much of a "Sex and the City" fan, but the one character I could usually identify with was Miranda. She was the one who always seemed to be thinking, "I don't really like any of you people, but I've been friends with you since I was a kid and it's too late for me to meet new people so what the hell, let's have another goddamned conversation about shoes."

2005-12-06T11:41:00.000-05:00

Last night the Eagles got crushed 42-0 on Monday Night Football by the Seahawks. It was one of those depressing losses where it's so lopsided that the announcers start talking about anything other than the game - old football stories, the stock market, crazy drunk fans, etc. It's weird, the Eagles are 5-7 and their season is basically over, and it's been so long since they were bad that I don't remember what I'm supposed to do now. Do I still watch the games, or do I find a better way to spend my Sunday afternoons? Maybe I'll jump on the Seahawks bandwagon. My friend Josh, who is inexplicably a huge Seahawks fan despite growing up in Philadelphia, went to the game last night and stayed until the very end (in the cold and snow) with a few other diehards. Well, I'm glad someone got to enjoy the game.

Also, last night the Eagles brought back a lot of their old players during halftime and retired Reggie White's number. It sucks that it happened during such a crappy game but at least the Eagles fans who went to the game has something to cheer about. Not those of us who watched it on TV though. Instead of showing the ceremony, ABC showed another crappy version of Tim McGraw's "I Like It, I Love It" and "60 Seconds With Jimmy Kimmel". Personally I would've much rather seen all of my favorite Eagles from back in the day but I can't imagine ABC gives a damn.

Well, here's the good news - my fantasy team clinched a playoff spot. In fact, I'm in first place all alone with one week left in the regular season. And, I'm still one of three teams left in my NFL "survivor" pool. This is amazing because I never, ever do well in any of these things. Plus I could really use the winnings to help finance my Vegas trip over Christmas. I will keep you posted about all of these exciting developments as they happen.

2005-12-05T14:12:00.000-05:00

I thought last night's season finale of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" was one of the top five "Curb" episodes of all time - right up there with the Crazy-Eyes Killah episode and the one with the restaurant opening. I think I enjoyed it even more because this season has been so inconsistent in terms of the quality of the show. If you haven't seen it yet I won't ruin it for you, but I will say that they took all the weird/annoying things about this season - all the inside jokes about Judaism and golf, the complete marginalization of Cheryl's character, the lack of a consistent storyline tying the whole season together - and played them up to hilarious extremes. Plus there is an unbelievable cameo from a major film star who I won't name. Definitely worth checking out!

I also saw "Walk the Line" this weekend. I think Pete Holmes already said most of what there is to say about it so I'll just add a few things;

1. In addition to being similar to "Ray", it also reminded me a lot of the "Elvis" miniseries that aired on CBS not too long ago. In fact, let's just go ahead and say that it basically ripped off every single movie ever about a tortured musician.

2. I thought the music was really, really good. In fact, I give the movie three stars - I calculated that Ebert-style by splitting the difference between the music (four stars) and the movie itself (two stars).

3. The guy from "Terminator" plays Johnny Cash's cold, domineering father. I guess there wasn't enough money in the budget for Jon Voight. Zinger!

2005-12-01T14:24:00.000-05:00

Here's the first joke I ever wrote:

When I was in middle school there was a kid in my class named Eric House. If he went out to dinner with his parents, when their table was ready, the hostess would go, "House Party 3!"

You can't go wrong with a Kid n' Play reference.

2005-11-30T14:05:00.000-05:00

So I am still working on my beard, trying to decide whether or not I'm going to keep it. I definitely like the way it looks, but there are certain sacrifices you have to make with a beard. For instance, I've had to give up all condiments. Condiments and beards just don't mix. I'm telling you, this thing is a mustard magnet. Hummus? Forget about it, that's gross, nobody wants to see that.

2005-11-29T11:57:00.000-05:00

Here's a leftover thought from Hurricane Katrina: why is it that when white people are streaming into a store after a natural disaster, they’re “stocking up” or “saving children”, but when black people are doing it, they’re “looting”, or “molesting children”? I think that's racist.

2005-11-28T12:45:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody, hope you all had a good Thanksgiving. For me it was the usual: turkey, stuffing, football, gambling, et cetera.

So...belatedly, and in a lame effort to get people to write comments: what are you thankful for? Be as ironic as you want!

2005-11-22T11:31:00.000-05:00

Thanks to everyone who came to the show at Swift last night, and to all of the outstanding comics who performed. For those of you who missed it I'll have information soon about our next show in December.

Very exciting news: The long-awaited video from this summer's Family Reunion Tour is finally here! Check it out- it's about seven minutes long.

Congratulations my alma mater, Brown University, for winning the Ivy League football title outright for the first time in school history. And to Penn State, for winning the Big Ten, clinching a BCS bid, and keeping alive their national title hopes. We're not going to talk about the Eagles or my fantasy team right now.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

2005-11-18T11:37:00.000-05:00

I hope you can make my show on Monday! Chris Jurek, my usual co-host, will be in Minnesota, but we can still have a great time, can't we? Seriously, if you don't come, I'm going to be really, really upset. Seriously. I'm not joking. I'm actually being serious. Okay, enough of this nonsense, here are the details:

Monday, November 21, 2005
Twin Killing
Hosted by Matt Goldich
Featuring: Joe DeVito, Cary Prusa, Baron Vaughn, Rusty Ward, and Rena Zager
Swift
34 E. 4th Street (between Bowery and Lafayette)
NYC
8:30 pm
FREE

I better see you on Monday!

2005-11-17T13:17:00.000-05:00

I'm in the midst of trying to grow a beard for the first time ever, but it's not exactly growing in the way I'd hoped. So instead of checking out girls on the subway I've been checking out guys with beards, trying to figure out what they have that I don't. I'm sure some of them are pretty creeped out, but if anyone confronts me, I'm just like, "No, I was just examining the texture of your facial hair, I swear I'm not trying to pick you up...but while I'm at it, I couldn't help but notice you probably shouldn't be wearing pleated pants. Have you thought about flat-fronts?"

2005-11-16T12:41:00.000-05:00

Check out the lyrics to the song "I Love New York", from Madonna's new album.

As my brother said, "It looks like it was written by a child."

Hey, maybe it was Lourdes...or maybe it was these girls!

2005-11-15T11:53:00.000-05:00

Wow, what a terrible, disheartening loss by the Eagles last night. I'm even more depressed than I was after the Super Bowl. Even I, the eternal sports optimist, have to admit that the season is over. Sure, they might beat the Giants next week - who knows, they might even rally and squeak into the playoffs. But there is absolutely zero chance that they will win in the playoffs with this team. Nothing to look forward to this year.

My fantasy team lost, too - to my brother of all people. I'm still tied for first in the league but I'm nervous about my quarterback situation - Michael Vick and Trent Green have both been very inconsistent. The only good news from the weekend is that I survived in my suicide pool, and we knocked out three more people, which means there's only three of us left. If I win, I get $400. If it gets down to just me and one other guy, I may offer to split the pot - $200 would make a pretty nice bankroll for my Vegas trip over Christmas.

Vegas, baby. Now there's something to look forward to. I feel a little better now.

2005-11-14T12:04:00.000-05:00

Whenever I’m watching football on CBS late on a Sunday afternoon, they always make the same announcement every week at 7 pm : “For those of you who were expecting 60 Minutes, it’ll be coming up directly after football.” How necessary is this, really? CBS has been showing football on Sunday afternoons for centuries. Is there anyone turning their TV on at 7:00 going, “What the hell is this? This isn’t 60 Minutes! Who are these padded men crashing into one another? This is not what I expected!"

2005-11-11T11:41:00.000-05:00

I have a really corny sense of humor. For instance, here's one of my favorite jokes - if I'm at a party, or some other crowded place, and someone is looking for their friend Dan, and asks me, "Have you seen Dan?", I like to respond, in a catty voice, "I know, he's really let himself go!" This invariably leaves the other person confused - they either don't get it, or think that I misunderstood the intent of their question. I should probably stop making this joke but it cracks me up.

2005-11-10T13:01:00.000-05:00

So my whole life I’ve been using Degree deodorant, and now all of a sudden they come out with “Degree for Men”. Does this mean I’ve been using women’s deodorant all these years? Why not just change the name of regular Degree to “Degree for Wusses”? Isn’t that basically what they’re saying?

2005-11-09T12:20:00.000-05:00

Well, this is new for me...last night for the first time EVER I did a character onstage. And it went pretty well, I think. So I'm going to do him again tonight at Invite Them Up, which is always an awesome show. So if you want to see a bunch of great comics, plus me potentially making an ass of myself, I suggest you come. Here are the details:

Wednesday, November 9, 2005
Invite Them Up
Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street (between 1st and 2nd Avenues)
NYC
8:30 pm
$5

Hope you can make it!

2005-11-08T12:02:00.000-05:00

Well, you guys picked a good night not to show up to Twin Killing - I kind of wanted to watch the Colts-Pats game anyway. Seriously, I'm not too concerned that we had to cancel the show for lack of audience - we've had good crowds at every other show at Swift, and I've heard of a couple of other comedy shows that suffered the same fate in the last week or so, so maybe it's something in the air. Hopefully we'll do better on the 21st.

In other news - yes, the Eagles lost, but as an eternal optimist I must point out that a) they played better than last week and b) they will definitely be better off in the long run without T.O. They may not make it back to the Super Bowl this year, what with the injuries to McNabb and Pinkston and the production they'll lose with Owens gone, but they still have McNabb, Reid, and a bunch of cap space to reload in the offseason. Hey, we got spoiled - what can you do? Plus they're only 4-4, the season's far from over. Plus - I'm alone in first place in my fantasy league! And I'm still alive in my suicide pool (thanks San Diego!) So things could be worse.

2005-11-04T13:43:00.000-05:00

HEY EVERYBODY:

The next edition of Twin Killing, hosted by myself and Chris Jurek, will be next Monday, November 7, at 8:30 pm. We have a great lineup, including:

Peter Hyman (author of “The Reluctant Metrosexual”)
Greg Johnson (hosts a show on Fridays at Cinema Classics)
Charlie Sanders (regular on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”)
Amber Tozer (Montreal Comedy Festival)

The show is at Swift (34 E. 4th Street between Bowery and Lafayette) and it’s free. If you can’t make it, we’re having another one on Monday, November 21.

Hope to see you on Monday!

2005-11-03T14:49:00.000-05:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: The New York Post has a column called “Weird But True” which includes offbeat news stories. Is it just me or does it seem like about once a week there’s a story in there about a baby driving a car? You know what, at this point it’s not that weird anymore.

2005-11-02T11:56:00.000-05:00

YOUR TO-DO LIST:

Buy this book

- and check out the stud on page 203!

Become my Friendster

- I'm 8 away from 200!

Check out one of my shows

- I have 8 scheduled for the next 3 weeks, including two great Twin Killing shows at Swift!

2005-11-01T13:45:00.000-05:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I was traveling in New England recently and it seems like everything there is a historic landmark. It doesn’t matter how unimportant a place is, it could be the house where Paul Revere took a piss right before his historic ride, they give it protected status. Nowhere else in the country is like that. “Hey, the first post office in Oregon!” “Oh, who gives a crap?”

2005-10-31T12:14:00.000-05:00

PAST HALLOWEEN COSTUMES I HAVE DRESSED IN (OR AT LEAST THOSE THAT I CAN REMEMBER):

1. Clown
2. Ryne Sandberg baseball card
3. "That Guy"
4. Disco dancer
5. Guy who just had a quickie

The baseball card one is the only one I can remember from my childhood. It was pretty groundbreaking at the time. I wish I could remember more costumes I wore when I was little.

2005-10-28T11:48:00.000-04:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There are a lot of sketchy stores in New York. I think a good rule of thumb is, never buy a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich from somewhere that also sells clock radios. On second thought, you probably shouldn’t buy a clock radio there, either.

2005-10-27T13:46:00.000-04:00

PHILLY ATHLETES IN THE NEWS:

For attacking their employees with machetes- and setting fire to them!

For pushing Christianity at public school assemblies!

Good times all around.

2005-10-26T11:44:00.000-04:00

READER POLL: Anyone have any good Halloween costume ideas?

2005-10-25T11:40:00.001-04:00

RANDOM STUFF:

- Make sure to buy the new book "Bar Mitzvah Disco". There is a picture from my Bar Mitzvah in there and an essay I wrote about Bar Mitzvah games like the limbo and Coke and Pepsi. Also check out this New York Times article about the book.

- Great Eagles game on Sunday. They were in the process of blowing it with about four minutes left when the CBS affiliate in New York switched to the Giants game. I ran to the bar across the street just in time to see them block a field goal and return it for the winning touchdown. Unbelievable ending.

- Saw "A History of Violence" this weekend with my brother. Everyone is raving about this movie but we both agreed that it was awful. There were so many completely implausible plot twists, holes in the story, and over-the-top performances that it was impossible to take the movie seriously. My apologies to the other people in the theater who were trying to enjoy the film while we were laughing and making sarcastic comments.

- I also went to a sumo wrestling event this weekend at Madison Square Garden. Definitely fun, even though most of the wrestlers were not Japanese, and some of them weren't even that big. Sumo matches are extremely brief, but I didn't care that much because there were so many of them and most of them featured competitiors of different body types, making it interesting to watch. The production values probably could have been better but the crowd was still really into it. Not sure if I'd go again but cool to see once.

- We just had a fire drill here at work. From now on I think all fire drills should be combined with sexual harassment seminars. Why not kill two birds with one stone?

2005-10-21T17:32:00.000-04:00

TWO GREAT SHOWS:

Sunday, October 23, 2005
The Whitest Kids U' Know
Pianos
158 Ludlow Street (between Rivington and Stanton)
NYC
8 pm
FREE

Monday, October 24, 2005
Crash Test
Upright Citizens Brigade Theater
307 W 26th Street (between 8th and 9th Avenues)
NYC
11 pm
FREE

2005-10-20T11:51:00.000-04:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I was in a subway station a while back and I asked the newsstand guy if he had the New Yorker. He was like, “No, how about Newsweek?” I was like, “Don’t try to sell me something I don’t want, okay? Just give me a copy of Black Tail and I’ll be on my way.”

2005-10-19T15:26:00.000-04:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Have you ever tried to say something sympathetic to someone and instead it comes out like you’re being an a-hole? My friend told me he was taking a temp job on Long Island and I blurted out, “Oh, that sucks!” What I meant was, “What a long commute!”, but I immediately realized that to him it must have sounded like, “What a horrible life!”

2005-10-18T13:03:00.000-04:00

TWIN KILLING RECAP: Thanks to the handful of people who came out to our show at Swift last night. We had a small crowd but I think everyone had fun thanks to great sets from our comedians - Craig Baldo, Ophira Eisenberg, Peter Kassnove, and Aubrey Tennant. We'll probably be doing another two shows in November - I'll have info on that coming up.

I got home last night in time to catch the last few innings of the Cardinals-Astros game - what an unbelievable ending. Maybe the most dramatic home run I've ever seen. Of course, if the Astros end up winning the series it'll be a moot point, but still...what an amazing few days to be a sports fan. A great USC-Notre Dame game, a heartbreaking loss for Penn State, and so much else I won't bore you with. Watch PTI if you want to hear in-depth analysis of this stuff.

Back tomorrow, hopefully with jokes.

2005-10-14T11:58:00.000-04:00

SHOW MONDAY: Hey everyone, we have another great Twin Killing show lined up for next Monday. Check out this lineup:

Craig Baldo (Last Comic Standing)
Ophira Eisenberg (Comedy Central's Premium Blend)
Peter Kassnove ($1 Room)
Aubrey Tennant (Vancouver Comedy Festival)
and more!

Hosted by Matt Goldich and Chris Jurek

Details:

Twin Killing
Monday, October 17
Swift
34 East 4th Street (between Lafayette and Bowery)
NYC
8:30 pm
FREE

2005-10-12T12:16:00.000-04:00

QUICK STORY: When I was in ninth grade I misguidedly decided to try out for the freshman basketball team. About two days into the tryouts, the coach pulled me aside and said, “You know, Matt, we’re going to need a team statistician to keep track of – " I didn’t even let him finish. “I get it,” I interrupted him. “I’m a dork. I’ll take it!”

2005-10-11T12:23:00.000-04:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I feel like we’ve gotten to the point in our society where anyone that calls you on a land line is automatically either a telemarketer or some kind of creepy stalker. It used to be when you got a call at home you thought, “I wonder who that is.” Now it’s like, “Don’t answer it! If it’s important, they’ll call me on my cell.”

2005-10-10T15:05:00.000-04:00

HAPPY MONDAY: Not a great weekend for sports - the Eagles got crushed, I got killed on my football picks, and my fantasy team needs a huge night from LaDainian Tomlinson tonight to avoid suffering our first loss of the season. The good news is, I'm still in my survivor pool. Also, check it out - I have a bio on Comedy Central's website!

2005-10-06T14:17:00.000-04:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I watch a lot of poker on TV and I notice that the players try really hard to look tough and intimidate their opponents. Which I think might be undermined by having your parents sitting in the stands cheering you on. “Alan the Assassin just took down 2,000 opponents to win the World Series of Poker...and here come Mom and Dad!”

2005-10-05T12:55:00.000-04:00

MIXED BAG: Hope all you Jews out there had a good Rosh Hashanah. I went to a very strange service on the Upper East Side. It opened with a male dancer doing a religious ballet that was conceived as a reaction to the hurricanes and the tsunami. That's probably all you need to know. Then I had lunch with friends and went to see "Capote", which I thought was a little slow but very good. Excellent performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Thanks to everyone who came out to our show at Swift the other night. We had a big crowd and all the comedians were really funny. Stay tuned for details on our next show on Monday, October 17.

I didn't even have a chance to write on Monday about all the sports happenings over the weekend. The biggest one was that the Phillies missed out on the playoffs by one game. That disppointment was mitigated somewhat by the Eagles win and the fact that I'm now in first place in both my fantasy league and my football picks pool. Plus I'm still alive in my survival pool. I know I probably go overboard with all this fantasy football talk but even real coaches are supporting my habit - check out this quote from Jon Gruden.

See you tomorrow.

2005-10-03T11:46:00.000-04:00

QUICKLY: Thanks to everyone who said they saw the show on NY1 on Friday. Chris and I had a blast and I think we came off pretty well.

Here are the details about our show tonight:

Twin Killing
Swift
34 East 4th Street (between Lafayette and Bowery)
8:30 pm
FREE

Lineup: Tom McCaffrey, Bobby Tisdale, Ali Waller, Cassidy Henehan, Jeff Mac.

Hope you can make it!

2005-09-30T12:23:00.000-04:00

TIVO ALERT: For those of you who live in NYC, I know you probably won't be sitting at home watching local TV on Friday night but if you are, make sure to watch "The Call" at 9 pm on NY1 (Channel 1 on Time Warner Cable). I will be on with Chris Jurek (my friend and Twin Killing co-host) joking about the news of the past week. It's live TV so who knows if it will be funny but at least you'll be able to go, "Hey, I know that guy."

Also, we have two great shows this month, on Monday, October 3, and Monday, October 17. Here's all the info you need:

Twin Killing
Swift
34 East 4th Street (between Lafayette and Bowery)
8:30 pm
FREE

Hope to see you there!

2005-09-28T15:29:00.000-04:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I was flying on an airplane recently and the in-flight magazine mentioned that it was now available on the web. Seriously? Isn’t the whole point of the in-flight magazine to give you something to do when you’re trapped in a confined space with no other options? If you have web access that kind of defeats the purpose. Hey, you know what else should be available on the web? Those free pamphlets that they have at the doctor’s office. Because sometimes when I’m bored at work I would love to know how hepatitis is contracted.

2005-09-27T11:32:00.000-04:00

MISPLACED PRIORITIES: I've never been one to rail against our society's obsession with celebrities. However, I do get upset when the media's constant coverage of people like Paris Hilton, Brad Pitt, and Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore overshadows more interesting news about other celebrities. For instance, how did I not know until now that Ralph Fiennes is dating a 61-year old? And why does this article gloss over that fact like it's no big deal? It's much more interesting than Ashton and Demi! Right?

2005-09-26T15:52:00.000-04:00

A GREAT SUNDAY: Eagles won in exciting fashion even though (or perhaps because) their kicker had a torn hamstring. Phillies won and Astros lost which means the Phils are one game back in the wild card race with six to play. My fantasy team is well on its way to being the only 3-0 team in the league, I survived in my suicide pool, and I'm in second place in my football pool picks. All that, plus a great season premiere of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and a not-bad first episode of "Extras" (I'm willing to cut it some slack because the British version of the office was so good and because it was only the first episode) - not a bad day.

Also, it looks like I'm going to be on New York One later this week - more details to come!

2005-09-23T11:33:00.000-04:00

GREAT ARTICLE: From today's NY Times about Jeff Garlin. So psyched for the premieres of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and "Extras" on Sunday. Have a good weekend.

2005-09-22T16:08:00.000-04:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: It seems like every group tries to claim tardiness as a characteristic of their own people. I’m always hearing things like, “Black people are always running late” or “When Jewish people say 4:30, they really mean 5:00”. The exception, I guess, is gay people. You never hear anyone say, “It’s not really 8:00 – it’s more of a gay 8:00, which is closer to 9”. I guess gay people are pretty punctual.

2005-09-21T15:19:00.000-04:00

UGH: Possibly the most disturbing news I have ever received in all my years as a Philadelphia sports fan.

2005-09-20T12:25:00.000-04:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Asking a girl out to movie on a first date is basically like admitting, "I have nothing interesting to say, so let's just sit in the dark for two hours."

Asking a girl out to a movie on a second date is even worse. That's like saying, "I used up all my conversational topics on the first date, I'm all out."

2005-09-19T17:50:00.000-04:00

WEEKEND SPORTS RECAP: Eagles kicked butt yesterday which was good. Indianapolis won which kept me alive in my football survivor pool. My fantasy team won. Did pretty well in my other football picks pool. Phillies took 2 out of 3 from the Marlins and are 1 1/2 back in the wild card with 12 to play. Be back tomorrow with jokes.

2005-09-15T11:49:00.000-04:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I think most guys react to the end of a relationship the same way. The first thing you do is buy a slice of pizza and walk around with it. You’re saying to yourself, “Look at me, I’m single! I can eat a slice of pizza while walking around! I can do whatever I want! I’m free!” Of course the 'pizza walk' is usually followed about a half an hour later by the 'toilet cry'. You’re sitting there in the bathroom sobbing, “I’m so lonely! And why did I eat all that pizza?”

2005-09-14T15:03:00.000-04:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I was traveling on a bus recently and the girl next to me fell asleep on my shoulder. Suddenly, she woke up and realized what she had done. She said, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” And I was like, “That’s okay, I like it, it feels nice.” And she gets all weirded out! That’s the last time I try to make somebody feel better about committing a social faux pas.

2005-09-13T13:41:00.000-04:00

COMEDY AND FOOTBALL: Thanks to everyone who came out to Twin Killing at Swift last night. We had a packed house, including the return of the Dr. Who fan club. Also, Chris and I co-hosted the show together for the first time which was a little scary but still fun. We're thinking of doing the show every other week from now on so hopefully we'll have a chance to try stuff like that more often. Also big ups to the comedians who performed, all of whom were really funny (not that surprising since Chris and I picked them ourselves! Ha ha ha!)

Got home from the show in the middle of the second quarter of the Eagles' season opener, which they sadly lost 14-10 to the Falcons. I know some Eagles fans are bummed about the loss but I'm optimistic - facing Atlanta on the road will probably be the toughest game they play all season. In brighter football news, I'm 1-0 in my fantasy football league after defeating my brother in Week 1 despite accumulating the second-lowest point total in the league. I'll let you do the math and figure out who had the lowest. I'm also in the middle of the pack in my football picks pool and considering joining a "survivor" pool as well. The NFL -in the words of the immortal Tim McGraw, "I like it, I love it, I want some more of it!"

2005-09-12T14:35:00.000-04:00

SIX HOURS FROM NOW:

TWIN KILLING

Hosted by Matt Goldich and Chris Jurek

Featuring:
Leo Allen (Slovin and Allen, Saturday Night Live)
Josh Haness (Friends and Family)
Heather Lawless (Comedy Central's Premium Blend)
A.D. Miles (Wet Hot American Summer)
Susan Prekel (Montreal Comedy Festival)
Bobby Tisdale (Invite Them Up)

Details:

Monday, September 12, 2005
Swift
34 East 4th Street (between Lafayette and Bowery)
8:30 pm
FREE

2005-09-09T14:07:00.000-04:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Why do they use the term “sanitary napkins” to refer to feminine products? Are regular napkins somehow unsanitary? I’d hate to think I’ve been wiping my face and hands with bacteria all these years.

2005-09-08T14:20:00.000-04:00

SHOW MONDAY: Hey everybody-

This month's edition of Twin Killing is once again recommended by Time Out New York! Check out this great lineup:

Hosts: Matt Goldich and Chris Jurek

Featuring:
Leo Allen (Slovin and Allen, Saturday Night Live)
Josh Haness (Friends and Family)
Heather Lawless (Comedy Central's Premium Blend)
A.D. Miles (Wet Hot American Summer)
Susan Prekel (Montreal Comedy Festival)
Bobby Tisdale (Invite Them Up)

Here are the details:

Twin Killing
Monday, September 12, 2005
Swift
34 East 4th Street (between Lafayette and Bowery)
8:30 pm
FREE

Hope you can make it!

MG

2005-09-07T11:51:00.000-04:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: When I was a kid I had kind of a different sense of humor than everyone else. I remember once I was at a bar mitzvah and at the end, we all stood in a circle and danced to “That’s What Friends are For”. The DJ passed around a microphone and asked everyone to say one word that described the bar mitzvah boy. In retrospect I probably shouldn’t have said “syphilitic”. I think it went over a lot of people's heads.

2005-09-06T12:33:00.000-04:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Sometimes when I’m in the airport or whatever I’ll see someone in an army uniform. It seems to me there are two types of army uniforms. There’s the crisp, clean one that makes it clear you have a position of some importance. Then there’s that baggy, beige camouflage that means you could be in the army or you could be some weird societal outcast who collects hunting magazines and shops at an Army-Navy store. I think if I was in the army I’d want the first kind of uniform, and also I wouldn’t want to have to do any push-ups.

2005-09-02T12:00:00.000-04:00

MY BAD: I just realized that my headline "Lots of Good News" from yesterday might have been a bit inappropriate considering all the awful stuff that's going on down in New Orleans. However, I hope that anyone who's been seriously affected by the aftermath of the hurricane would have more important things to do than read my blog. Anyway, if you are reading this, I hope you and your friends and family are safe, that the people who are still in harm's way are rescued soon, and that the city gets rebuilt as quickly as possible.

Last night I did my first stand-up show since the "Premium Blend" taping. It felt great to try out some new material instead of doing the same jokes I'd been doing every night for a month, even though most of the new jokes bombed. This weekend I'll be in Vermont for a wedding but next week I have a couple of shows which should be pretty cool. I'll keep you posted - in the meantime, have a good weekend.

2005-09-01T12:45:00.000-04:00

LOTS OF GOOD NEWS: First off, I went to the Phillies-Mets game last night where the Phils hit four home runs off Pedro and won 8-2. Awesome game - lots of taunting from Mets fans when we were losing, then lots of taunting of Mets fans when we were won. Right now the Phillies are the NL wild card leaders, but they've disappointed me before so I'm not getting my hopes up.

Also, I found my comedy notebook, which is exciting because I had written a lot of new jokes in it that I hadn't told yet. I know I should probably back that stuff up on a computer but I'm way too lazy.

Finally, this site got more hits in August than it had in any previous month. This means one of two things: either I have an extremely loyal following who will stay with me during a fallow, creative period, or the majority of people who view this blog aren't fans at all, but people who google random phrases like "greatest karaoke songs" and come across it by accident. Either way, happy to have you.

2005-08-31T12:47:00.000-04:00

LAMEST MOVIE REVIEW EVER: I forgot to mention yesterday...saw "The 40-Year Old Virgin" the other day. Funniest movie I've seen in a long, long time. Much better than "Wedding Crashers". Great performance from Steve Carell. Definitely check it out if you haven't seen it yet.

Sorry, I really want to post every day but I seem to have misplaced my comedy notebook. Hence the lack of funny today. Hopefully I'll find it soon.

Hey, I did add some new links though. Maybe you should check those out.

2005-08-30T14:17:00.000-04:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I never know how I should feel about having to use a handicapped restroom. On the one hand, they're quite spacious. On the other hand, handicapped people probably take pretty messy poops.

You know where you can always find a clean bathroom? Internet cafes. You've got to figure that people who know how to use the Internet are, on average, pretty sanitary.

2005-08-29T11:28:00.000-04:00

DID YOU HEAR THAT I'M HUGE NOW? So Friday was my long-awaited "Premium Blend" taping for Comedy Central and overall it was pretty awesome. Of course there are lots of little nitpicky things about my performance that I could complain about - like that I accidentally switched the order of two of my jokes, or that I went too fast - but I can't imagine that that many people other than me noticed them. The most important thing was that the whole experience was a lot of fun and I can't wait for it to air. (I don't know when that is yet but you better believe I'll let you know as soon as I find out.) Thanks to all my friends and family who came out to support me and also congrats to all the other comedians who performed.

More exciting news: it looks like there will be a lot of fall dates for the "Heeb Presents: The Chosen One" tour. We went down to Georgia last week to perform for about 350 Hillel leaders and the show went great. The first show is on September 7 at NYU but there's a good chance I'll be coming to a college town near you, so stay tuned.

Also, now that things are a little less crazy, hopefully I'll have more time to post to the blog. I've actually written a lot of new material over the last month or so and haven't had a chance to try any of them out, so if you enjoy half-baked comedic concepts left unexplored to their full potential, this site is the place for you!

2005-08-18T11:50:00.000-04:00

ME AGAIN:Hey everybody - sorry that my blog entries have been sparse the last few weeks, but don't say I didn't warn you. I've been hard at work writing sports trivia questions for a game show on ESPN. I probably shouldn't say what game show it is, so I'll just call it "S the Schwab". No, that's too obvious...uh, let's say "Stump the S". There, that works. Anyway, the show is going great and I'll definitely let you know when it airs.

Of course, I've also been doing a bunch of shows to prepare for my "Premium Blend" taping next week. (I have a few more coming up - in case you are interested in seeing me do the same 10 jokes over and over again, here's my schedule.) I found out that Damon Wayans is going to be the host this year so that's pretty cool.

The other night I did a show in Williamsburg and I got a pretty backhanded compliment. Now, I don't want to pick on this guy, because other people have said similar things to me before, and also because I gave him the address of my website so he might find out. What he said was, "Dude, you were so funny - all the stuff you said, that was all stuff I've thought of before, but couldn't put into words!" In other words, what you enjoyed about me was my unoriginality. My ability to replicate the hilarious thoughts you yourself have had. In that case, why even leave the house? Why not just sit at home and laugh at your own hysterical musings which I clearly ripped off from the inside of your head?

What would you say to a woman after a particularly passionate lovemaking session? "That was so amazing - that felt exactly the same as when I masturbate!"

2005-08-09T12:28:00.000-04:00

I'M BACK: Boy this must have been some week for ABC news anchor Elizabeth Vargas...first Peter Jennings dies and now her husband gets shot in the face! Thankfully, it looks like her "True Companion" is going to recover. Hee hee.

I'm very busy between my new job here at EPSN and preparing for "Premium Blend". I did see "The Aristocrats" last week and thought it was very funny and interesting. I'm also obsessed with "Entourage" - it's right up there with "Curb Your Enthusiasm", I think, as one of the funniest shows on TV.

Hey, I'm performing in a really cool show on Wednesday night at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. It's sponsored by Heeb Magazine and it's sort of an "American Idol"-type show with Jewish stand-up comedians. The best part is the title - "The Chosen One". Come on, admit it, that's hilarious. We're going to be performing at a bunch of colleges in the fall but you can see us here first. Check out the details here.

Talk to you soon - not!

2005-08-01T10:22:00.000-04:00

TONIGHT: Come see Twin Killing at Swift!

Hosted by:
Matt Goldich (soon to be taping Comedy Central's "Premium Blend") and
Chris Jurek (Time Out NY: "Delightfully bizarre.")

Featuring:
Roger Hailes (VH1, Chappelle's Show)
Heather Lawless (Variety Shac)
Todd Levin (soon to tape "Premium Blend")
Brad Steuernagel ($1 Room)

Here are the details:
Monday, August 1, 2005
Swift
34 East 4th Street (between Lafayette and Bowery)
NYC
8:30 pm
FREE

2005-07-29T13:41:00.000-04:00

LATER, LOSERS: First of all, let me apologize in advance for this blog becoming little more than a promotional tool for the Matt Goldich Express during the month of August. It's shaping up to be an extremely packed month - I'm starting a new job next week, and I'll be doing tons of shows in preparation for the Comedy Central taping at the end of the month. August is not necessarily the month you want to be insanely busy - yes it's “the good kind of busy”, but still, it will probably leave precious little time for blogging.

With that out of the way, here are a couple of thoughts to remember me by:

I used to work at a job where a guy at my office would come over and make semi-creepy, vaguely sexual comments to the girl who sat next to me. Often I wondered - could I sue for secondary sexual harassment? Because this guy was really lessening my desire to be intimate with another human being.

I have allergies which occasionally cause me to get nosebleeds. Whenever my nose starts bleeding in public I always feel the need to immediately swear to everybody around that I'm not a cokehead. This is probably unnecessary since it should be obvious to anyone who sees me that I'm not nearly cool enough to be a cocaine addict. It would probably be more helpful if I shouted, “I swear, I don't pick my nose!”

2005-07-28T14:30:00.000-04:00

MONDAY NIGHT COMEDY:

Come check out the latest edition of our monthly show, Twin Killing, at Swift on Monday! Last month we had a packed house - granted, there was a huge table of Dr. Who fans who didn't know there was going to be a comedy show, but they did end up staying and having a great time. Here's this month's lineup:

Hosts:
Matt Goldich (soon to be taping Comedy Central's "Premium Blend") and
Chris Jurek (Time Out NY: "Delightfully bizarre.")

Featuring:
Roger Hailes (VH1, Chappelle's Show)
Heather Lawless (Variety Shac)
Todd Levin (soon to tape "Premium Blend")
Brad Steuernagel ($1 Room)

Here are the details:
Monday, August 1, 2005
Swift
34 East 4th Street (between Lafayette and Bowery)
NYC
8:30 pm
FREE

Hope to see you on Monday!

Thanks,
MG

2005-07-27T14:30:00.000-04:00

CHECK THIS OUT: One of the funniest SNL sketches of all time. Make sure to read all the way through in order to experience the genius of the late Phil Hartman.

2005-07-26T12:18:00.000-04:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I went to college at Brown University. Sometimes myself and other people from my school will refer to each other as “Brown people”. You have to be careful who is around when you say that, though. You can get some pretty weird looks when you're at a noisy, crowded bar and you shout to your friend, “There are so many Brown people here!”

2005-07-22T12:00:00.000-04:00

MOVIE REVIEW: Last night I finally saw 'Wedding Crashers", which I'd been excited about since I saw the preview a couple of months ago. I don't know why I always get sucked in by the previews to these idiotic comedies - my expectations are usually so high that I'm invariably disappointed ("Old School") although occasionally I'm not ("Anchorman").

For the first half hour or so I thought "Wedding Crashers" was fantastic. The montage that showed the strategies they used to crash weddings and pick up girls was hilarious and a lot smarter than it had to be. Vince Vaughn was doing his motormouth routine to greater effects than anything I've seen him in since "Swingers" (although to be fair I missed "Dodgeball" in which he was supposedly pretty good). So far, great movie.

After that it went pretty much completely off the rails. First of all, they ripped off basically every comedy movie of the last 25 years. The touch football scene is basically straight out of "Meet the Parents". Laxatives were used in a lame attempt at humor, much like "Dumb and Dumber". There's a scene where Owen Wilson is bummed out and living in his own filth in which Vaughn comes over to try to console him which is disturbingly similar to a scene in "Swingers". I've seen more hunting trips gone wrong than I care to remember. And the foul-mouthed granny, creepy brother, and evil fiance were all underdeveloped stock characters.

Also, the biggest mistake a movie like this can make is trying to get all sappy in the second half. Don't they realize that once we've seen characters being fed laxatives and kicked in the nuts repeatedly that we're not going to be emotionally invested in the story? If you're going to make a corny love story, fine, just don't advertise it as a raunchy comedy.

That said, I thought Vince Vaughn was funny the whole way through and basically carried the movie. The scenes that were the best were not the preconceived comic set pieces but the ones where they basically just let him loose. There's a scene where he pours his heart out to a priest which is hilarious, and I definitely laughed when he referred to himself as a "cocksmith". There's also a Will Ferrell cameo at the end which is not his best work but still gives the movie a boost when it desperately needs it.

Overall, I'd say, if you haven't seen "Wedding Crashers" yet...wait for the DVD. Oh, and also...the preview for "40-Year Old Virgin" looked awesome!

Have a good weekend.

2005-07-21T11:48:00.000-04:00

HELP ME HELP YOU: I'm trying to do as many shows as possible during the month of August in preparation for the Comedy Central taping so if anyone has any spots they're eager to fill or ideas for where I can perform I'd love to hear about them! (No pro-life rallies, please.)

Also, as this site nears 40,000 total visitors in its history I'd like to thank all of my loyal readers, whoever you may be. Seriously, you guys should probably take more of an interest in world affairs or undertake some sort of creative project. Your devotion to the minutiae of my life is beginning to border on pathetic.

2005-07-20T12:04:00.000-04:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: The other day I walked by a homeless guy who was asking for change. I put my hands in my pockets and felt that I had close to a dollar in change. Then I remembered, I have tons of change at home. I thought to myself, I should really go to Commerce Bank and cash that in. I could probably buy a DVD player or something!

2005-07-19T11:48:00.000-04:00

HAMSTER PATROL!: Great article in the NY Times today about Danica McKellar, who played Winnie on "The Wonder Years". In addition to being an actress she's also an accomplished mathematician. Admit it - you thought that if anyone from that show would end up having their own theorem that it would be Josh Saviano.

By the way, in case you were wondering what Jason Hervey (who played Wayne) is up to these days...here you go.

2005-07-18T11:46:00.000-04:00

MY SOUTHERN ADVENTURE: Well, I'm back from an amazing and exhausting trip down South with the Stuckey and Murray Family Reunion Tour. In the span of 72 hours we visited and performed in Nashville, Birmingham, and Atlanta, met lots of friendly people, ate lots of great food, drank a lot of beer, heard some cool live music, made approximately 1,227 penis jokes, and forced many Southerners to come to terms with their conflicted feelings about Jews. All in all, a job well done.

The tour got off to a great start right here in New York on Wednesday night with our kickoff "Fun Raiser" at the tank. Right before the show started I found out that I've been selected to perform on the upcoming season of Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" (more info on that in the coming weeks). That put me in a good mood, and the small (the Garment District is a great place to buy a bolt of silk but not exactly a comedy hotbed) but enthusiastic crowd kept the buzz going.

Upon arriving at Thursday's show in Nashville we were treated like rock stars, or at least how I imagine rock stars are treated - they gave us all a free dinner and all the beer we could drink! The show was at a bar which specialized in music (the night after we were going to be there...Shawn Mullins! Remember "Lullaby"?) but turned out to be a great setting for comedy. After the show some cool audience members gave us a tour of downtown Nashville, where pretty much every bar features live music - usually a band of older studio musicians fronted by a twentysomething goth dude who knows a handful of Johnny Cash songs, often performing for an audience of several. Most of them were extremely talented, though.

The next day we headed for Birmingham where we performed at Workplay, a great concert venue. You would not believe some of the fantastic artists who had played there in the past - Maroon 5! Ruben Studdard! Sister Hazel! It was our biggest show of the trip and the Alabama folks really seemed to dig us (of course it helped that Andy Stuckey of Stuckey and Murray fame hails from the state). The bar scene in Birmingham seems to consist mostly of converted barbershops in shopping centers - but the barbecue is great. If you're ever in town I highly suggest Dreamland BBQ.

By the time we got to Atlanta we were pretty exhausted but we still mustered up the strength to do a pretty rockin' show. The venue had a really cool look and feel to it but was not exactly an ideal place for comedy - too loud, not enough seats, etc. But Stuckey and Murray still kicked ass and the people were disturbingly friendly, as they pretty much were throughout the South. Also my aunt and uncle who happened to be in town surprised me by showing up which was pretty cool.

Thanks to everyone who came out to see how our schtick played in Dixie. Big ups to fellow comics Andrew Goldstein and Adam Cole-Kelly (as well as special guest stars Jon Friedman, Dan Fontaine and Chad Riden). And thanks especially to Jon Murray and Andy Stuckey for organizing and headlining the whole trip. Git r done!

2005-07-13T11:30:00.000-04:00

ON THE ROAD: Okay, I promised I would say something funny today, but first, one last time, here are the details about the Stuckey and Murray Family Reunion Tour:

Wednesday, July 13, 2005
The Tank
208 West 37th Street (between 7th and 8th Avenues)
NYC
8 pm
$7

Thursday, July 14, 2005
3rd and Lindsley
818 3rd Avenue South
Nashville, TN
9:30 pm
$5

Friday, July 15, 2005
WorkPlay
500 23rd Street
Birmingham, AL
Doors: 8 pm, Show: 9 pm
$10 advance, $12 day of show

Saturday, July 16, 2005
The Brandyhouse
4365 Roswell Rd. N.E.
Atlanta, GA
Doors: 9 pm, Show: 10 pm
$8

All right, now that that's over with...

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:Sometimes I'll be riding on a train and I'll pass by a really pretty house. And I think to myself, I wonder who lives there. I wonder what they're talking about right now. Then I realize, they're probably saying, “WHAT DID YOU SAY? I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE OF THE TRAIN!!!”

BONUS THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:Often I'll notice that some crappy novel has advertised itself as a “New York Times Bestseller”. Clearly they're trying to make the book sound better by associating it with something as reputable as the New York Times. I wonder if most people realize, though, that being a New York Times bestseller doesn't mean the New York Times thinks the book is good, it only means they said a lot of other people thought it was good. The equivalent would be if you asked Nelson Mandela about a restaurant, and he said, “I hear a lot of people like it,” and then they advertised it as a “Nelson Mandela Pick of the Week”.

I'll be back on Monday, hopefully with lots of great stories about the trip. Have a neat summer,

Winnie

2005-07-12T11:57:00.000-04:00

BEST SHOW EVER: Thanks to everyone who came last night to our best Twin Killing show yet, especially the huge table full of "Dr. Who" fans who didn't realize a comedy show was going to interrupt their gathering. Even without them we would've had a big crowd but because they stuck around and watched the show we had a packed house! Thanks also to all of our great comedians - Adam Cole-Kelly, Isaac Witty, Bobby Tisdale, and especially Dan Cronin, who braved laryngitis to perform his set. Stay tuned for details about our next show on August 1.

If you didn't make it last night, you can see me again tomorrow night at the "Fun Raiser" for our Stuckey and Murray's Family Reunion Tour which starts on Thursday. Here are the details for that show:

Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Stuckey and Murray's Family Reunion "Fun" Raiser
The Tank
208 West 37th Street (between 7th and 8th Avenues)
NYC
8 pm
$7

Hope you can make it.

Sorry I've been busy making announcements recently instead of jokes. I promise I'll write something funny tomorrow before I leave for the South.

2005-07-11T11:55:00.000-04:00

REMINDER:

Details for tonight's show:

Twin Killing
Swift
34 E. 4th Street between Lafayette and Bowery
8:30 pm
FREE
Hosted by Matt Goldich and Chris Jurek

This month's lineup:
Adam Cole-Kelly (The Rejection Show)
Dan Cronin (Late Night with Conan O'Brien)
Bobby Tisdale (Invite Them Up)
Isaac Witty (Late Show with David Letterman)

Bring your friends!

2005-07-08T11:45:00.000-04:00

THIS IS CNN:After the terrible bombings in London yesterday, we had CNN on at the office pretty much all day. At one point, I noticed that there was a "Breaking News" graphic on the screen, so I thought something important must have occurred. The headline on the screen was, "PATAKI: OUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH THE PEOPLE OF LONDON". Uh, that's not exactly breaking news. Breaking news is supposed to be surprising. If the headline had been, "PATAKI: SCREW ALL YO BRITISH MOFOS!", that would be breaking news.

Also, they interviewed Rudy Giuliani, who happened to be in London at the time for a speaking engagement. Anytime some major news event happens, they always find whatever halfway recognizable person "happened to be there at the time" and interview them. In this case it happened to be Giuliani, who at least had some relevance, but it doesn't matter. They could have just as easily said, "We're now going to speak with former heavyweight champion Riddick Bowe, who just happened to be in London at the time..."

Have a great weekend, everybody.

2005-07-07T11:26:00.000-04:00

ANNOUNCEMENTS, ANNOUNCEMENTS: Hey everybody-

I wanted to tell you all about two exciting events next week:

1. Monday is the latest edition of my free monthly comedy show at Swift with Chris Jurek. We have a great lineup this month - in fact, the show is recommended by Time Out New York. Details:

Monday, July 11, 2005
Twin Killing
Swift
34 E. 4th Street between Lafayette and Bowery
8:30 pm
FREE
Hosted by Matt Goldich and Chris Jurek

This month's lineup:
Adam Cole-Kelly (The Rejection Show)
Dan Cronin (Late Night with Conan O'Brien)
Bobby Tisdale (Invite Them Up)
Isaac Witty (Late Show with David Letterman)

2. Later next week, I'll be in Nashville, Birmingham, and Atlanta opening for the great rock-and-roll/comedy duo Stuckey and Murray on their Family Reunion tour, along with fellow comedians Andrew Goldstein and Jon Friedman. If you know anyone in any of those cities, please tell them about the shows - we're hoping for some huge crowds. Here are the details:

3rd & Lindsley
Thursday, July 14th, 9:30pm, $5
818 3RD AVE S.
Nashville, TN 37210
(615) 259-9891
www.3rdandlindsley.com

WorkPlay
Friday, July 15th, Doors: 8pm, Show: 9pm
$10 advance, $12 day of
500 23rd street South
Birmingham, AL 35233
205- 879-4773
www.workplay.com

The Brandyhouse
Saturday, July 16th, Doors: 9pm, Show: 10pm, $8
4365 Roswell Rd. N.E.
Atlanta, Ga 30342
404-252-7784
www.brandyhouse.com

Thanks as always for your continued support. Hope to see you next week!

2005-07-06T11:52:00.000-04:00

CROWD WORK: Last night I did a show in Williamsburg at Galapagos - nothing unusual, pretty much my usual shtick. Then, after I got off stage, a girl called me over to her seat. "You should cut out the sex jokes," she told me. "They're derogatory." At first I tried to argue with her, saying that I didn't really tell that many sex jokes, that the ones I did tell were insightful and intelligent, and that the vast majority of comedians are much dirtier than I am. Then I realized that there's just no point in trying to reason with someone like that, so I just said, "Thanks for your input" and walked away.

First of all, why call me over like that just to insult me? It's not like you're trying to give me career advice - it would be one thing if she said, "You should cut out the sex jokes, your act is better with out them because they're not as funny as the rest of your material." I would disagree but at least I would understand. Also, who uses the word "derogatory" in a sincere fashion? I'm sure even the other a-holes think that's pretty lame.

From my tone you might think I'm upset about this, but it was so off-the-wall and unprovoked that I actually thought it was pretty funny. So did most of the other comedians who I shared the encounter with. So thanks for the great story, lady!

2005-07-05T15:19:00.000-04:00

LINE OF THE NIGHT: Even though I lost a little money playing poker this past weekend in Atlantic City (in addition to getting sunburned at the beach, eating hamburgers and hot dogs, and other Fourth of July-related activities), I couldn't resist telling you all about my great poker story from last night. While my brother was playing in the no-limit hold'em tournament at the Taj Mahal (which he eventually finished third in), I killed a couple of hours waiting for my bus to New York by playing $3-$6 limit hold'em. While one hand was being dealt, one of my cards flipped sideways in mid-air before landing on the table face-down. I asked the other players if any of them had seen the card, and they didn't answer, so the hand continued as usual.

After the hand was over, some jerk on the other side of the table says to me, "It was the queen of clubs, right?" I said, "You saw the card?" He said, "Yeah, but I folded before the flop, so it didn't matter." I said, "If you saw the card, you should've said something." He said, "It was a good card, I figured you'd want it." I didn't say anything after that, but I was pretty upset (part of me thought I was wrong, but another player agreed with me.) I made a mental note that I was going to stick it to this guy if I had the chance.

A few hands later, I was in the small blind and called with Q-6. The flop comes 9-J-K. I check, the guy who saw my card bets $3, everyone else folds, I call. The turn is a blank - I check, he bets $6, I call. Not a good call, but I had seen a hand before where the same guy had continued betting through an entire hand even though he had nothing. The river is a 10, giving me my straight. I immediately check without hesitating, just as I'd done the past two rounds of betting. He bets $6, I raise it to $12. He knows I've made a straight and folds accordingly. At which point I pick up the queen of clubs from my hand, show it to him, and say, "What's the matter, you didn't see my queen of clubs that time?"

That felt pretty good until he made a higher flush than me a few hands later and check-raised me out of $12. Still, I'll always have that one moment.

2005-06-30T11:29:00.000-04:00

RELATIONSHIP TALK: Some of you might be wondering why I didn't post yesterday. Well, the answer is...I couldn't think of anything. I've been writing this thing almost every day for over two years and I'm damned near out of ideas, people!

I was supposed to go see the Phillies play the Mets yesterday at Shea but we bailed because it was supposed to rain. Of course they played the game anyway and the Phils won. And I played poker instead and lost $6. Good times.

Whenever I go to a wedding, the rabbi (I only go to Jewish weddings) always says something during the ceremony like, "Dan, when you chose Samantha, you couldn't have made a better choice." As if the groom had anything to do with it. We all know what really happens - the bride waited until she found someone halfway decent she could mold into a good husband, and said, "Let's go, you're coming with me." So enough with the sexist crap, Rabbi!

Recently one of my friends told me that when you break up with someone, it's not only a cliche to say you want to remain friends, it's also a cliche to say, "I know it's a cliche when people say they want to remain friends but I really mean it." In other words, there's no non-cliched way to tell someone you want to remain friends. You have to tell them, "That's it, I hate you, we're through!" then call them the next day and say, "Hey, what's up, do you want to get some coffee?"